Within the looking glass

Within the Looking Glass

My life, such as it is, is a desolate story.
Maltreated, abandoned, an urchin at an early age.
Such things taught me many things, but one more important than all,
Nothing, and no one, is and are what they seem.
The nonconformity of my essence became my all encompassing goal.
These were the people who had perpetrated such sins against me.
I would not, and could not, become them.
Love and serenity is what I craved. Sadism and abhorrence is what I got.
Life for me has been a journey. In quest of that which I was denied since my infancy.
Therein lies the problem. What was I to do with it when I found it?
Hatred and violence has been my life blood since the beginning.
Upheaval was all I knew. I responded to all with revulsion.
True contentment avoided me until my adulthood.
When I discovered what I had been searching for.
I tested it. Pushing it away to see if it would leave, as all others had done.
So long as I stood strong, this could not hurt me.
The happiness waited. Took the blows I gave it and bounced back.
Stood there waiting patiently, saying the whole time, “We won’t hurt you.”
“Your greatest fear is us asking you to leave. Ours is you leaving.”
“We love you. Let us love you.”
This was not violent. It was not hateful. This creature called “Family” spoke the language of love.
One I had never heard.
Terror struck me like a thousand bolts of lightning.
Control was in their court now.
The capacity to see straight through me had been realized.
Carefully constructed masks were being ripped apart like paper.
I was laid bare, at their mercy, to be judged worthy.
“Unworthy” was not in this family creature’s vocabulary.
They saw me. Not as the person whom I was created to be.
Not the person I had to be to survive.
Me. The beautiful princess I kept locked in her tower for 26 years.
The striking young redhead 5 year old who loved dolls.
The imaginative 9 year old who loved to play pretend.
The commanding 15 year old who dreamed of faraway places.
The remarkable 25 year old who made her way on her own.
They saw me.
I saw nothing but love and approval in their eyes.
One day, one day soon,
I hope to see the same within the looking glass.